Whole Big World

Writing has always been my “thing.” When people ask about hobbies or fun facts, I always talk about my blog. Whenever I think about how I have gotten through some of the darkest times in my life, I talk about what my writing has brought me: comfort, understanding, therapy, and a purpose. I write when life brings me so much joy that I could combust; and I also write when life hands me hardship where the only thing that I can do is put a pen to paper. But I mainly write to make sense of my messes. This particular blog is not for any particular purpose, but just to feel connected to myself again and validate how I have been feeling recently.

I have been thinking a lot about my future and have felt emotions I cannot put words to: both amazing and simultaneously confusing. I am a college senior about to graduate and start my adventures as a young woman in the “real world.” Here I was thinking that “adulting” was learning how to cook a piece of chicken on a pan without burning it, but now I am faced with a whole big world and just two tiny hands to climb through it.

To be completely candid, I will admit that I am scared.

There is nothing wrong with fear if we embrace it head-on and identify where it comes from. For me, the fear comes from the uncertainty. The undefined. The unknown and the undiscovered. I do know that I am only 21 years young with so much life ahead of me. It is okay that I “do not have to have it all figured out yet” because I don’t have to. However, if you know me, you know that I quite enjoy having things figured out. What I am learning to do is to breathe through every journey and to trust the process (go 76ers). I am learning to trust that each step is a step in the right direction, even if sometimes we don’t know where we are going or we have to pave our own path.

When I think about graduation day, I am excited. I have grown so much in these last four years and learned more than I ever thought possible about both myself and the world. Yet, part of me wants to hold on so tight because these moments will never be re-lived. I always thought that people were dramatic to feel such intense emotions about leaving college, but I understand now that it is much more than that. It is not just about leaving the classroom, leaving the memories, or leaving the parties. It is now about embracing uncertainty. You are suddenly faced with the question: who do you want to be? 

I am still trying to figure that out. But what I do know that it is okay to have big dreams and not even know what they are yet. Until then, I’ll keep climbing 🙂



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