So this is where we are today. We, meaning my mind and my soul. We are a bit sad, a bit confused, a bit unsure of where this blog is even going to go. When I open the door to the world and the world becomes hazy, I turn inward. I listen to myself and my emotions, and attempt to make meaning from whatever is happening in my life.
My inward is feeling immensely sad about the events this week: through the deaths of both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. I never get tired of writing about mental illness because it is the only way I can make sense of it. It’s so important. It’s so relevant.
Being part of a public platform, their deaths have affected so many people, caused an incredible uproar of emotions and conversations. I wish that both of them could know that they had so many reasons to live, but sometimes depression is the degrading demon that tells us otherwise. I always get an intense pit in my stomach whenever I hear of someone committing suicide. I really hate saying those words “committing suicide”… but I don’t even know if there is a way to word it that makes it any less painful or uncomfortable.
For those that may not know, or those that are new to my blog, my mom battled these demons for so long before she took her life. I am her legacy. I have her facial expressions, her hands, her extroverted nature, her sensitive soul and eccentric energy. But I am scared. What if I become depressed? What if my chemistry goes array and I start to see my world of brilliance as a world of darkness? What if my own foundations and grounding are ripped from under me and I cannot find a way to stop the whirlwind?
But I have to consistently remind myself that I am not her. This fear that is instilled in me, while valid, is not my destiny. I am my destiny. I have my own crippling demons of anxiety, but I am okay. I may absorb all that is around me, like an empathetic sponge, but that is how I am able to connect to so many through my writing.
For those that do the same as I, and listen to the whispers of their souls when the screams of the world become too much, please recognize that we are incredibly complex beings. I believe that we are more than just a body, we are art. We are created, then shaped by all that is around us. Please do not forget the magic and intricacies of every human walking this earth. It is a journey, and we are on it together.
But, before you look inward, look outwardly at the things that do make sense: like how the sunrise and sunset happen every single day, without fail. Or how there is always music on the radio, and always soil beneath our toes. Look at all of the good that happens in this world: like flowers blooming in the most random places, or kids falling in the dirt and then getting right back up. Look at the countless people doing the smallest acts of kindness, for complete strangers.
And then, look at yourself.
It is so important for everyone to know that you can separate yourself from your demons. While your brain may be telling you that you’re worthless, or crazy, or alone, or worse, if your brain is chanting to give up, you must recognize that your brain is a product of nature and science. Whatever you may believe in your spirituality, our brains are supposed to be how we process information, how we make decisions, and how we think in our unconscious. Our brains are the most complex part about our bodies: with so many hormones and chemicals and functions. But remember, that these horrific diseases exist, which I like to call demons, and they can cause our brains to suffocate and act impulsively, to create scenarios and thoughts that are untrue, to convince ourselves that we are something we are not, to even tell us that we are not supposed to be alive. Sometimes we should not listen to our brains, but instead listen to our souls.
So that is when we need to take a step back, and to recognize that not everything has an answer, or a reason. When our brains are overpowering, take a moment to remove yourself and to just be. Let the world work for you.
Sometimes, it is okay to just ignore your brain and the craziness that consumes it. I encourage everyone to find holistic ways to quiet your mind and trust your soul instead, when the two are not in sync. I believe that our souls can be the smartest part of who we are. They may not be able to be physically seen, but they are our cores. If we nourish our souls, treat our bodies with care, and train ourselves to separate from our minds every once in awhile, we can learn to accept the chaos rather than trying to understand it. So, how do we do this?
We do this through creating art, through loving each other and loving the earth, through laughter and music, and listening to the sounds of the earth. Through the simple and the complex moments.
So, while this feeling, whatever it may be, is where we are today, it may not be where we are tomorrow. We are our own destiny ❤
(p.s. i found myself changing a lot of “I” to “we” … we are in this together.)