I know it has been absolutely forever since my last blog post and that is a lot of times because writing takes a lot of work and a lot of emotion for me. It can really be exhausting to sit down and fully immerse myself with my thoughts, turn them into something, and simultaneously make sense of all that I am writing. I had a random moment of sadness in a coffee shop this morning… how cliché and writer-esc of me to have “a moment” in coffee shop, I know. But I thought, if I don’t write at this moment, I will only be cheating myself.
One day I had this epiphany that I would like to write a book about my mom. Since I was so young when she passed, and it was such a horrific death for me and all of her loved ones, I wanted to make a compilation of moments, of words and storytelling and discovering that can momentarily bring her back to life. Without giving too much away, because I want this to be special for not only everyone that loves her, but even those who don’t know her, I want to bring her back to life with this work. I was so young when she passed, so naturally I cannot remember a lot of her. This will help me in finding out who she was.. and who she is to me now as her beautiful spirit that stays with me through each moment. So each time I get upset about missing her, I try to think of something I can do to start this vision I have. Instead of bottling away all of that raw emotion, I will create art.
As Carrie Fisher once said, “Take your broken heart and make it into art.”
So, back to right now. Sometimes it just hits ya, ya know? It really doesn’t take much. If you lose someone, we carry them in sentiments, in moments, in pieces of their clothing or artifacts that were once theirs. And sometimes just holding something, listening to something, or seeing something can just bring this heavy emotion gravity back into your atmosphere, making your body ache and making your eyes well with tears so consuming that the world around you is a blur. Well, I’m sitting here drinking my iced coffee, I turn on my Spotify and want to listen to something calming. I immediately think of Norah Jones. I put on the song “Sunrise” and then allllll the feels hit.. and, of course, right as I need to really crank out some homework, A LIGHTBULB FOR A BLOG POST. Cmon, Ave.
I have very faint memories of my mom’s taste in music. It ranged from Shaggy to Norah Jones .. and everything in between. I’m smiling right now because I’m envisioning her dancing in the most public of places, nonetheless embarrassing me and making me want to run away right then and there. Norah Jones has always soothed me, because I have faint memories of my mom enjoying her music. And you can’t really jam out to her songs because they’re slow and calm, so I often think of my mom sitting and drinking a glass of wine or driving a car, or enjoying her friends’ company.. all calm things. Some of Norah’s most popular songs came out when I was young and still had my mom around, so naturally her music is very nostalgic for me. Norah’s sound is so incredibly beautiful and delicate, just like my mom was. Each word has so much sentiment, so much meaning. Norah was my first “big girl” concert.. and I was for sure the youngest there at the time (it was some time in middle school) which has never been unusual for me. Mommy used to drag me to gatherings with her friends all the time … (and I don’t remember this but apparently I would be the one telling her when to take me home for bed on a school night). Norah Jones melodies have always offered me a tiny bit of peace whenever I have needed it.
“Sunrise” has always been my favorite. I know every word, I know every little sound of each instrument that has created it, and it will always be something I can come back to when I need some serenity. So, thank you Norah, for reminding me that nostalgia can momentarily bring back memories and spirits of someone when you miss them .. ❤