there are just some days where i miss you more than others. there are some days when i feel the hole in my heart expand a bit, knowing that the only way it will get smaller is if i could embrace you one more time. there are some days i wish i could view the world from where you are, wherever you are, and try on your angel wings for a little bit. there are some days where i want to scream to you that life is unfair, that i am scared, that i am sad, and that i miss you.
what angers me most is that, in all honesty, i do not remember much of you. you were taken from me at a very young age, so i cannot be mad that i don’t have much memory, but of the little memories i do have i hold them closer to my heart than anything else. pictures help. it makes me smile when i see a photograph of myself that is very comparable to you. i am you, i am your “bubalah” as you would call me. forever. (i often find myself calling my friends “bub” and i think it honestly has been because of you always calling me bubalah, hehe. & thank you to you and grampa for always teaching me your little yiddish sayings.)
what pains me most, at this time in my life, is that i can’t just talk to you. i cannot just call you up. i wonder what it would be like to be able to FaceTime you, snapchat you, iMessage you. you were gone before iPhones were even invented. i am at a point in my life where most of my friends call their moms about what they’re making for dinner and text them all the time about boys and outfits, or their mental breakdowns. most of my friends are able to share their best and worst college moments with their mothers. there is a little piece of me that aches of jealousy every time i am with my girls and they talk about how special their moms are to them. i wish that i could hear your stories, your wisdom, your humor, your comforting words. i hear about your life through the voices of the ones you loved most, but it is not the same. when i miss you this much, i think of two things:
- the way you would start your voicemails. “hey guys, it’s kori…. um.. i’m just calling to check in! see how you are doing!” … i wish i still could play them.
- your laughter. there are no words to describe it, but it was loud & had a contagious energy. just like you.
there is nothing like the voice of your mother.
what makes me happiest is that i remind people of you. the silly faces i make, the way i flare my nostrils & smile until my cheek muscles hurt. when i dance, i think of you every time. every. single. time. i never regret looking like a fool, because i know you would advise me to do just as your motto was: “dance as if no one is watching” …
but i know you are still here, with me, every step of the way. you will always be the main topic of my writing, my biggest inspiration, my guiding light. i am hugging you so tight that my bones are squished… love you always my beautiful soul.