“as if no one is watching…”

“Dance as if no one is watching” are the words printed in crisp silver lettering on my favorite bench in one of my favorite places in the entire world. Any worries, fears, apprehensions, or anxieties cease to follow me to the robin’s egg blue wood bench on twelfth and boardwalk of Ocean City, NJ. This place and this bench help to fill my heart space right where it’s broken and raw, right in the spot that will forever be wounded. 

In 2005, my mother took her own life after a long battle with what I refer to as the depression demon. My mom was vivacious, bubbly, and the type of person that everyone loved deeply. She was always moving and doing. She had life to see, and life wanted to see her back. But the depression demon was in the way. Since her passing, my life has obviously been different, challenging, but nonetheless cherished. Let me explain. Often times when people lose a loved one, it’s hard to see the next day when each moment is a series of hopeless wandering, shall we say. I was only 7, almost 8, when my beautiful mother passed. Some say I was too young to understand. To an extent, yes, but I don’t really think anyone understands death. The one thing that I have learned from living through the last 10 years of my life without my birth mother is that life should always be cherished. Through the darkest days and the brightest nights (because for those who lose a loved one, sometimes we sleep through the day and keep our lamps on and eyes open at night) it is possible to lose our sense of meaning, but there will always be the “light at the end of the tunnel” for lack of better words.

Despite my mother’s brutal battle with depression, one thing that she loved more than anything was to dance. Anytime, anywhere. My memory brings me back to the days where she would embarrass me by jammin out in Wawa while she fixed her coffee. Now I do the same in her honor. I get weird stares, but I still dance. The feeling I get when I dance is ineffable. I stopped dance lessons in middle school but I will take any chance I can get to just move. Sometimes I feel my mothers presence (blog later for that) and when I dance, and I am forever grateful. 

I encourage everyone who has lost someone to find their “as if no one is watching”.  

 kori wise beer: gone but never forgotten 

4 thoughts on ““as if no one is watching…”

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  1. Hello Avery…I was so happy to come across this post that you did on your Mom. My name is Jane and I worked with your Mom and spent lots of time in her office while she cried when she had to come back to work and leave you….She was certainly one of the most special people I have meant in my life. I loved her like a daughter….I have several photos I took of you and her when you were a baby and I would love to send them to you. She will never be forgotten…Please let me know if I can send these to you.


    1. Hello Jane!!! This means so much to me. I’d LOVE to get those photos. My email is beeravery@gmail.com .. please send them whenever. Feel free to also include any stories or things you remember about her – I love hearing about her energy & how she touched people. I can’t wait to see them ❤️ Also – how did you come across my blog? I’m so happy you found it!


  2. Avery…I just googled your name hoping to find you…I just finished putting all the pictures in a little album for you and decided to google you again! This is first time I have seen this reply. I will be in Ocean City on Thursday and was going to look up your grandparents to see if I could drop off these photos…I will email you…


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